The Homeowner's Guide to Basic Tools

Hammer: In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one's enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

Screwdriver: The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.

Phillips Screwdriver: The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.

Pliers: A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

Multi-Pliers: Contains a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in it's leather sheath and worn on a homeowner's belt to increase testosterone levels.

Halogen Light: A work light that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

Cordless Drill: A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

Chainsaw: Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.

Vise Grips: A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.